The Worst List

This post was drafted last May 25. 

Lately, I've been lacking some serious inspiration to do ANYTHING. It seems like the only constant thing I've been able to do is eat. That's it. Before summer started, I promised myself to do so many things like:

1. Practice using Final Cut Pro, Adobe Premiere and After Effects. If you didn't know I'll be taking up Communication Arts and I figured an advance study of these movie editing softwares will be really helpful. 

2. Practice and do more of water coloring and charcoal sketching.

3. Enroll myself in an art class.

4. Revamp my blog. Make it a stable one.

5. Read at least 10 books a month.

6. Watch as many movies as possible.

7. Journalize every day.

8. Buy new strings for my guitar.

9. Learn how to play many songs on guitar.

10. Play the piano again.

11. Buy a mannequin and a manual sewing machine I've been wanting every since I was 7 then learn how to sew so I can finally make my own clothes.

12. Buy plain shirts and have them printed with lyrics. 

13. There's so much I wanted to do that I can't even remember everything.

But here's what is actually happening:

1. I still don't even have these editing softwares and I've been putting off my Thailand Vlog for weeks           now.

2. I've also been putting off a water color painting I started weeks ago and I still haven't found my           charcoal pencil.

3. I am too lazy to even go out.

4. I guess I'm doing fine with this blogging thing....

5. The only book I finished ever since the start of summer was Isla and the Happily Ever After by           Stephanie Perkins. I don't even know what I'm doing. I have so many books on my book shelf             waiting to be read. I'm not even going to complain about how "I don't have the time" because I           have plenty. It's just I'm too fucking lazy. I'm now rereading and finishing Insurgent so I guess             that's a progress. 

6. At the start of summer, I was watching as many movies as possible. I'd start to watch a movie at midnight then sleep at 5 in the morning. I even tried to download movies (I used to watch online) even if our internet freakin' sucks. And then.....I just stopped. I don't know why but I just did. 

7. I can't even keep up with the Kardashians. Enough said.

8. I'm pretty sure a cockroach made a habitat out of my guitar. 

9. But I promised myself to buy new strings on my birthday so I guess I'll be playing the guitar soon. 

10. Again, I'm too lazy. I don't have the drive to do anything anymore.

11. My father promised me to buy a mannequin and a sewing machine years ago. That promise has yet to be fulfilled. I really want to start making my own clothes.

12. Well, I asked the t-shirt printing lady at SM Taytay for the price....

13. It hurts my eyes to even look at this shitty list. 

What is inspiration and how do I regain it?

At present. July 7, 2015. 2:33 am.

Sadly, I still haven't accomplished anything.....except that I started journalizing, reading and watching movies again. Also, I'm almost done with my Thailand Vlog (and Baler Vlog).

It still hurts my eyes to look at this shitty list. What a progress, Nicole.

Again, the question: What is inspiration and how do I regain it?

A Random Update

The first two parts were written last June 12. I haven't had the time to continue until now.

THOUGHTS

These past few weeks I've been feeling confused and lonely about some things. I'm not really good at dealing with my emotions so that's why I'm going all apeshit again.

I've been wanting to cut my hair again for the third time in a month. You see, I have this urge to chop my hair off when I'm feeling somber so I thought, I might as well shave all my hair off. Kidding.

SCHOOL

I've been feeling apprehensive towards university. I know I still have many more weeks to waste away but I can't help but feel agitated. I really don't want to go to school. Don't get me wrong, I love learning. It's just the anxiety I feel when I think about living in a new environment and meeting new people completely shots through the roof. I don't know anyone aside from a few acquaintances here and there. I'm completely afraid.

I'm truly missing high school. This is one of the reasons why I've been feeling down lately. This is probably the worst feeling ever - missing people and places and knowing you can't go back again. I know you can always meet up and visit the school but it will never be the same again.

I've been hooked listening to Daughter. Again, one of the reasons why I'm feeling pessimistic these past few weeks.....

At Present. July 5, 2015. 11:38 pm

THOUGHTS

I'm continuing this post for the same reason I wrote the above - that, I can't say anytime soon. Yes, I did cut my hair but I'm still feeling the same. Without the confusion this time. I try not to think about it though. I try really hard but sometimes those emotions just get you.

SCHOOL 

I still feel the same towards school. Well, I now know the people in my block. I had a little chat with them but that doesn't really change anything. I'll just see on August. Wish me luck.

Well, I still miss high school. I guess that feeling will never leave.

RANDOM LIFE UPDATES

My best friend (selcouth-sonder) and I just published our first short film entitled "Paralysis". It's about someone who finds comfort in solitude. Speaking of short films, we just finished editing our second one yesterday. It's livelier and more colorful compared to the first one.

I just finished editing my Baler Vlog earlier. I don't know when I'll publish it though. I still have to draft a blog post. Speaking of vlogs, I keep on putting the Thailand one on hold but I'm almost done as of this writing.

I'm still drafting Thailand Day 2. I know. I'm lazy when it comes to these things.

I still haven't finished watching How To Get Away With Murder, Skins Season 3, American Horror Story: Asylum, and My So-Called Life, oh and Carrie Diaries which I had put on hold two summers ago.

11 days ago, I started journalizing again. In connection, I'm back to updating my literature blog after half a year. I figured I needed a way to pour my thoughts out while I wait for the time being.

That's it for an update. I should sleep all these off.

Or uhm maybe not.